Ohhh! Fruit!

    People think you have this pretty little magic switch in your brain. "Just don't think about it!" HA! 
    I'm the girl who sits at home and eats an entire dish of Pickle Wrap Dip (because let's be real... making actual pickle wraps is exhausting). I'm the girl that will eat four Sugar-Free Popsicles in a row and consider it "frozen flavored ice" because the box says "Sugar-Free". 
    It is incredibly rare for this girl to crave something like an apple or a banana but every month, when I get this weird craving, my mind goes down this ridiculous rabbit hole. There's no controlling it. 
    My boobs feeling even a LITTLE tender or I am 12 hours late for my period and instantly my brain says "GUESS WHO'S PREGNANT?! YOU ARE!". Then commences the whirlwind of self-doubt and self-ridicule while I shop online for maternity clothes.
  Am I overreacting? I should check my MyDays App and see if I missed my period (despite the fact that I practically know down to the hour when I will be starting my next period).
    "Just don't think about it!" Yeah. Tell that to my ovaries. Tell that to my secret stash of baby items under my bed that I am too embarrassed to tell anyone I bought.

  How is that fair? When you tell your spouse you have a surprise for them.... Are they patient? Mine isnt. He pretends to be for about an hour then casually asks a random list of questions pertaining to the possible excitement he could feel once he gets his surpise. 

So I try. Instead of getting my hopes up and turning into a giant chaotic mess, I pray.

  I pray every time it passes through my mind when I sit outside at night. Every time I sit and watch my husband play games and talk with accents with any kids who will listen to his corny jokes. I pray each time I start to think that I could possibly be pregnant. "God, please let this be it. Let this be the time."

  Those prayers remind me that I still have hope. Reading into those cravings and tender boobs reminds me that I have hope. 

So I keep my stash of baby stuff under my bed for Future Baby E because I have hope.. 

  I have hope because I have faith that God will add to our little family. That is what gets me through my husband's Urologist appointments. That's what gets me through kids' birthday parties and baby showers. 

  You're not alone, my fellow TTC readers. You really aren't. It sucks down here in our childless abyss of baby showers. Its lonely down here in the pit of endless negative pregnancy tests. 
Sometimes it's even lonely when you sit outside at night, praying up to a sky full of stars. 

  I just have to remember that the prayers aren't for all for nothing. Maybe one day, Ill be  right about craving that apple.

I'm okay with a maybe. Maybe's are better than nevers, you guys.



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