"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS PARTY NEEDS"

We moved into our home as quickly as possible.

We were so excited and had it been up to Jesse, we probably would have slowly filled our home with everything we would love. But Im a little rammy. I like to move in RIGHT AWAY.  Its not my style to be calculated and calm; thats my hubby's mindset.  Im the "lets get this party started, finished, and be home by 10" half of this Ehle marriage.

When we moved in, I had everything planned, down to the placements of frames on our walls within a week. Two weeks, max. I found everything for dirt cheap while living with my parents and Id be danged if I was going to move into this house and take six months to unpack and make it "home" over a period of time. So everything was unpacked and it has been so since week 1.

We love it. It feels full and lived in. It really feels like home in a sense that I never thought was possible.

So that's cool and all.

But for some reason, one room in my house is unfinished.

I know the reason; I have just been in denial.

Our "third" bedroom was a bonus room I planned to make my ministry room! Its tiny and was showcased as an office when we first saw the house. I was excited to make it my own space! 

Since we moved in, that room has played the temporary catch-all for everything that belonged in all other parts of the house.

I didn't walk into this home hoping to fill it with a family. I truly didnt. I was so excited to move into this house and start this journey of "homeownership" with my best friend/better half. Learning new things, having our own space to grow together. 

This house has been exactly that, thus far. Nothing short of a blessing. We never dreamed we would one day own a home and here we are, living our best homeowner lives.

But that freaking room.

Lets just call it what it is; a "bedroom" that was absolutely intended to be a nursery when our house was built in the 50s. Anyone who has seen it can attest to that.

So here I am. With a nursery that I am dying to make my own space as fast as I can but for some reason, nothing feels right.

Nothing looks just the way I need it to. It doesnt feel like my own safe space. It feels like a void in our house. 

If you walked into any room of our home, you would think we have lived here for years.  

But that dang room, you guys. 

I finally opened up to my mom the other day saying, "I think Im rushing to fill that room and finish it, because I don't want to be sad that its not a nursery."

I didnt even think I wanted a baby any more, ya'll. 

I have been so truly content for so long. I have felt so fulfilled. 

But for some reason, homeownership makes my husband even more attractive as the head of our home. These walls feel even more welcoming to a child than any space we have ever rented before. 

I am so blessed, that now Im getting... I dont know... greedy? 

Maybe Im nesting. But without the pregnancy lol. 

Maybe now that we have this space of our own, that has been such a wonderful experience for Jesse and I, that I long to add to the wonder?

You know, like "This party is real cool but you know what would make it cooler? A BOUNCE HOUSE."

Wait. What? A baby isnt the equivalent of a bounce house. I know that. 

Whatever. 

You get what I mean.

I guess what I am saying is that I have circled back to a familiar place in my heart. A place where I need to pray for peace and gratefulness. I remember this feeling all too well and I want to feel okay with an "empty should-be-nursery-turned-office", dangit. 

I need to stop feeling guilty for my temporary longing for a baby. It'll pass. Its just like every other time in the past (almost) 8 years.

I will find peace in the season God has called me into. I just need to check my heart. 

So I guess this is me... Word vomiting my feelings tonight, so I can feel better tomorrow. 

Im checking my heart and it is more than full with my husband, our home and our fur babies.