I have dreamed of little feet since we started this journey to parenthood four years ago.
Little feet of a newborn;
Watching Jesse kiss those tiny feet after exhausted diaper changes...
Little feet of an infant;
Counting little piggies to make sweet baby giggles roar through the house...
Little feet of a toddler;
"Arguing" with 2 year old about leaving their socks on in the car...
We had practically everything ready for Benjamin that we would need. We loved everything we had for him.Our favorite things? The baby socks.Those were my most cherished reminder that my dreams were finally coming true.
It is ridiculously exhausting to keep faith and hope when your dreams were so close to coming true.
Jesse struggled to process the situation. He broke down one day and finally just said, "I don't know, hunny. I think I just feel empty."
As for me? I blocked it out. It wasn't going to get me down. I would shrug it off, dust us off, and start over. I could be strong for the two of us. No problem.
I am freaking RESILIENT.
I'm not resilient.
Not even in the slightest.
Not in this.
Not right now.
This past week has been the hardest on us thus far. It comes and goes in waves, demolishing any sense of happiness we may have been feeling five seconds prior. Some days our sadness comes in the form of anger. Other days it comes in the form of silence. This loss is so new to both of us. We have no idea what to do with the emotions we have been experiencing. We couldn't even begin to interpret them, one-by-one.
One thing I do when I have so much anxiety and depression that I don't know what to do with it? I shop. I wander. I try to fill that void with $3 beef jerky and $2 dresses from Merchandise outlet. I think I bought seven bags of beef jerky. Why? No idea. I bought a dress that cinches under the boobs. Why? So I could wear it as a maternity dress once I get pregnant.
Everything I am doing is irrational right now.
Let me tell you how ragingly out of control my rationalizations and emotions have been:
On Friday, I was on a high. How couldn't I have been? I got to pick up two of my favorite kiddos from school and take them to do my favorite thing - shop with Nana! Alright. Anyway.
We wandered into Dollar Tree together. Showing one another different snacks and toys. It was awesome. Maddox is one of the funnest kids I know... so it was a breath of fresh air. Thats when I spotted them...
Wild Animal wall stickers. They matched my nursery theme perfectly. And so the self-talk ensued...
"Technically they could work for a boy or a girl. I don't even have a baby for my crib. Whats the point in buying decorations to go around an empty crib? Screw it. Im buying them. This is freaking DOLLAR TREE. It would be ridiculous NOT to get them. It's ONE. DOLLAR.
In the cart.
Just try not to look at them too long. Its like Im buying gum. Its not a huge deal."
I got home that evening absolutely exhausted. I walked into Benji's room and didn't think twice. I emptied each drawer of his dresser.
I collected two huge bags of clothes and grabbed his carseat. I was pouring sweat. My nervous system knew what I was feeling but I was blocking it out. I took the carseat and the bags of clothes into the shed and came back in for the batch of Benji stuff.... baby shoes and socks. I shoved all of the tiny Air Jordan and Nike socks into the bag of shoes.
I put everything in the shed, trying not to linger. I could feel the wave coming and didn't want to acknowledge it.
This next part is what astounds me still...
I walked into Benji's room, glanced around for my Dollar Tree Stickers and placed each sticker strategically on the wall behind the crib.
"Perfect. They're absolutely perfect."
Trust me. I know exactly what you are thinking...
"Wait. What? All of this? One swift motion? Why?" No idea. Couldn't agree with you more.
I walked out of his room disgusted with myself. Who does that? Who clears out a nursery of all necessities and then just strolls back in to decorate it again? Like I said, I was seriously disgusted with myself. Then I got upset for being disgusted with myself. How am I supposed to know how to deal with this stuff?
I will tell you how I dealt. I walked into my living room, laid on my couch and cried.
Someone draw me a line between hopeful and delusional because I obviously have no idea where the two separate. I am winging this whole coping thing.
So we keep praying. We keep trying to hold faith and hope that this Family will happen. I just don't want to lose my sanity in the midst of the greatest loss we have ever endured together.
No matter what happens. I couldn't be more grateful not to do it alone. I not only have Jesse, my knight in polo and khaki armor. I also have incredible family and friends who let me cry without shame. Who offer me support and love.
We persevere. We hold out hope. We have faith that our God will allow us to be parents.
Until then, Ill just continue to decorate a nursery that holds no true purpose. Living in the land between hope and delusion - where I can cope irrationally and pray continuously.