F . O . U . R

Let's just get this out into the open right now... 

  Jesse and I got engaged and decided to start trying for a baby almost immediately. 
I was ashamed for so long; not wanting anyone to know that we were trying for something so permanent before making our relationship permanent.Whenever someone asked, I usually just said its been 2 years that we've been TTC so I wouldn't have to watch someone do that mental math of how long we've been TTC to time we've been married. We knew. We knew we'd get married. But we also knew that we would struggle to conceive. So there it is. This beautiful chaos all started 4 years ago this August. And MAN has the journey been bittersweet. Well, mostly bitter... with a tiny random grain of sweet every now and again.

 The bitter 4 years of pain, loneliness, anger, etc. 

  It sounds insane but within the past four years, whenever I found out that someone I knew was pregnant, I felt like it automatically meant that I wouldn't get pregnant within the next 9 months of the other person's pregnancy. OBVIOUSLY two people in the same circle can't be pregnant at the same time!
  IRRATIONAL. I know. Trust me, I'm highly aware of the insanity that TTC can induce. 
  For the first three years, I was so angry at my husband for not being able to provide a family for us. Angry he didnt beg my forgiveness for his inability to provide. 
(If you know my husband, you know how incredibly cruel this is because he truly has graced me with his killer personality, love, and support and that has provided me so much more than I can put into words) 
  But in fairness, TTC is weird like that. It amplifies your emotions. It forces you to question and therefore jeopardize your marriage. It makes you want to throat punch every pregnant woman you meet if she dare speak excitedly even once about her pregnancy. Like I said, TTC can make you insane.

The sweet 4 years to grow, to change, to pray.

  I could have gotten another Bachelor's Degree in that time. Think about it.... What's something you've fought for that long? I honestly couldn't list many other things. Maybe a house? A smaller waistline? That's probably about it for this lady. 
  I was forced to finally ask myself why. 
  Why did I want so badly to be a Mom? 
  So. Here is what my late night chats with the Big Guy Upstairs has taught me about the desires of my heart:

1. I dream of gaining just THAT much more understanding of my God's love for me, by having a child of my own. I want to watch them make mistakes and love them regardless. I want to teach them the stories of how great their God is and all of the miracles he has provided us.
2. I dream of being the kind of mom that my mom was. She hates jokes but has always been quick to make me laugh.  She loves me fearlessly. I want my future child and I to be close like she and I are. That bond is incredible.
3. I want my husband to be the dad he was always meant to be. If you're at a family gathering and can't find Jesse, chances are that he's playing with the kids. He's getting them to belly laugh with his "old man accent" and "war stories". He is telling them how the special things about them make them "cool". He's the man I always wanted to raise a child with. Even if he will end up being their favorite parent (he's the fun one, I'm well aware).

  It took SO many prayers to get me where I am today in this chaos. I'm grateful I had four years to learn this. Because had I not learned these things, when our little miracle arrives, I wouldn't be able to remind myself of them between feedings and zero sleep. I might not have realized how strong my marriage could become. I might not have realized how badly I wanted this. Now I know. Its a bittersweet feeling. I'm choosing to soak in the sweet parts today.

Here's an update on where we stand after our 4 years of TTC:

  Our doctor recently told us (on my freaking birthday) that our chances don't look good for conception. He said unless Jesse's motility and morphology numbers improve, we will have to start saving up for IVF. 
  So where's the sweet spot between prayer and being proactive? I guess we will just have to pray about our options at this point and see where we end up.

We've waited this long.... what's a little while longer, right?