42 Hours of Heartbreak


  So... we have been waiting to hear back from my uncle as to whether or not he would be able to complete our adoption for Benjamin. If you have ever waited to hear back about a possibly cost-free service, you know that this is practically like waiting in line at Disney Land/World (whichever floats your boat). 

  I looked down to see a new email from him! My stomach skyrocketed into my throat and I could hardly hear anything happening around me. Complete and utter tunnel-vision. It wasn't good news.

Now, I want you to understand, my uncle would do anything he possibly could to help us in this time of our lives. He knows how important this is to us and wants this for us! Here is where the problem lies... as I stated in my Adoption-Announcement Blog, the last adoption my uncle completed was basically a "Step-Child Adoption" and it took place some 26 (give or take) years ago. 

  I could feel the sadness in his email as he stated that he is not able to complete the adoption due to the complications that could arise and the lack of specified experience this case requires. The rest of the email was referring us to another lawyer who would best be able to meet our special case needs. 
  I somehow managed to type an official and grateful response. 
My gratitude was absolutely sincere. He didn't have to look at our case. He didn't have to even slightly consider it. But he did. And we were SO grateful. 
I clicked "send" and that's when it hit me.

 - I sat there. Numb. Not saying a word. Hardly breathing. I felt the heat in my face yet no feeling at all. It was a surreal feeling that I have never experienced. Thoughts came bolting in, Cosmo Kramer style.
          "What are we going to do? How will we tell Bio-Mom? I am beyond embarrassed. He never promised anything. I always do this! I jump the gun on something good before it is even guaranteed. Now I have to tell my family. Jesse's family. Oh my word. My blog. I'm an id...".

My mom noticed the indescribable look on my face and worriedly asked "What's wrong?" 
Tears involuntarily flowed. I just handed her the phone and cried. 

The worst thought I had? 
How am I going to tell Jesse that his chance of finally being a dad is gone? 

How do you tell your husband that you can't afford your dream? You can't change this baby's life and be forever changed by it? HOW?

I was a wreck for the next 42 hours. The worst emotional roller coaster I have ever purchased a ticket for. 

"Can I sell a kidney? I'm really not a drinker. I could TOTALLY sell part of my liver. I wonder if donating plasma would get me anywhere? Dangit. I'm anemic. I can't sell what I need to live! I'll at least call around. Maybe it'll be cheaper than I think."

I spent my Friday afternoon calling every Adoption Agency I could think of (for Home Study requirements and quotes), I called any lawyer I knew of in the area. Turns out, you can call all your heart desires, but no one is busy working on beautiful Friday afternoon.

     The first lawyer was actually well renowned in our area but I unfortunately just scheduled a consultation for two weeks from now with her assistant - no questions answered about cost. 
     The second lawyer said she could meet with us but she isn't sure she could take our case either because "These kinds of adoptions can be pretty complicated." 
     The adoption agency? Psh. They told me we could handle everything through them, without lawyers, for approximately $11,000-$13,000. HA! Nope. We can't do this. I can't borrow from Tom, Dick and Harry just to pay them each a total of the equivalent of our rent each month. We can't do it.

When I got home to tell Jesse, he was in bed. I put both pups on the bed and crawled in after them, looking and feeling defeated. 
   "Jesse. I'm so sorry. I got too excited too fast. My uncle said he would 'LOOK INTO IT to see if he could do the adoption and I took it as a yes. But he can't do it. We can't adopt Benjamin. I would sacrifice everything I have to adopt him, but I don't have anything to sacrifice."
I was sobbing. He didn't understand what I was saying because let's be real, I was saying clear words in my head but it all came out in heartbroken haiku's.

Jesse said, "It's not your fault. It's no one person's fault. We didn't see this happening. We shouldn't have assumed that it was going to be easy. But. You are right. We can't afford a lawyer for us, a lawyer for Bio Mom and a Home Study. I don't want to raise a child starting out living well beyond our means. It wouldn't be fair to the baby either. But let's not call anyone to tell them yet. Let's just sit on it. You never know. I just want to be sure we can't do this before we tell Bio Mom."

 I figured I would end my night with a glass of wine to relax - it had been a rough day, you guys. Instead of enjoying a glass of wine, I ended up in Benjamin's room. 

I curled into the rocker-recliner and pulled his first baby blanket around me. I couldn't stop crying; 

The kind of tears you cry when you don't even want God to know you are crying. 

Jesse came in, eyes welled with tears. He pulled me out of the chair, hugged me and guided me to bed. 

 Like the amazing husband he is, Jesse was ready to be my "Knight in Shining Armor" through all of this, though we were both hurting. Jesse planned to call Bio Mom, his parents, write the official FB announcement... We both just needed some time. We had to let it sink in. We had to be ready to tell all of our loved ones that it just isn't possible. 

  The worst part? Thinking that people would doubt God in our story. It killed me to imagine!

              GOD WANTED THIS. We KNOW it. We didn't seek out this mom. We didn't go running into anything. We were hesitant. God nudged US! How can I be sure that he still gets the Glory in this?

I couldn't think about that any more. It wasn't my worry to handle; I had plenty of my own. 

   I went into his room and pulled all of Benjamin's clothes out of the closet and separated them by which store they came from. I had to return these as soon as I possibly can. I looked at each little shirt with bear ears on the hood and my heart sank deeper and deeper.

   I walked into the living and told Jesse I needed to leave and that I was far too sad piling Benji's clothes to return them to the store.
 That's when Jesse said, "Just leave the clothes there. They don't need to be returned today. You never know what could happen, anyway."

I walked out the door, hopped into my car and relieved to be leaving the home that was bursting with heartache.

For the sake of keeping SOME of our lives private (lol), and the lives of people we love, I won't share all of the details of what happened next. 
All I can say is, when you doubt God, he is MORE than happy to show you how mighty His hand is. How graceful and giving His hand is. 
God truly uses his sheep to bless his sheep. I'm saying it weird but it's a thing. Google it.
God used two of the most giving and God-fearing people we know to provide our Home Study costs. 
Gifted to us. Boom. Just like that. 
Its incredible. 

Here is where we are at.... Long story... long:

We are back at this. Full steam ahead. 

We are seeing how forcefully gracious God's hand is and are praying to be his handiwork. 

We are praying that we will find the funds for the lawyer fees. We are ready for the retainer but the rest... ohhhh the rest.

Our pride made us hesitant. Then we realized... we want to be parents. When you are a parent, what is pride anyway? You do what you can to provide for your child. This is us. Asking for help to provide. 

We will be creating a GoFundMe. There really isn't ANY pressure to donate. I just want you all to know that.

* Do not be mistaken - we will without a doubt be pouring our finances into this adoption as well.*

It is no one's responsibility to provide for us of course, but if you know us, you know our hearts. 
You know that it is our dream for this to come true. So if anyone is willing to help, even the smallest amount will do just that. 

If you would rather not give on the GoFundMe because it seems sketchy? Message me or Jess and we can give you the name of our lawyer (we will know who our lawyer is by the end of the month) and you can send a check their way.

We even have a family member who is looking into it to see if she can complete the Home Study! Seriously, you guys. Anything is helpful.

If you can't help us financially? That's perfectly okay!

Pray for us! 

I mean that. 

Stop what you are doing and say a prayer. Not just for us, but for Bio Mom and Benjamin. Pray that we are doing God's will and stay in the path he wants us. Pray for other future adoptive-parents out there who are trying to build a family. Just... pray.



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