Happy Mommas-Without-Babies Day?
The question mark was intentional in the title, trust me.
Is it really "happy" if you wind up feeling "less-than" or lonely? Not exactly.
My friend Bessie once called me a "Momma without babies" and it perfectly depicts my life.
The title, though, feels awkward on Mother's Day; like a bra two sizes too small.
I don't have the responsibilities of a mother. I don't carry the worries of a mother. I don't carry the selflessness of a mother. I don't receive the love of another human being like a child loves their mother.
I truly struggled to write this post. It was something that I put off doing all night, but God called me to write it... so here I am typing away as my pups eat a late dinner, which will absolutely entail me waking up at 3am to potty them, all while watching "Date Night" just hoping for a good laugh after a lonely night-in.
I have struggled for the past two weeks with our infertility. Last time I ovulated I insisted we try an "At-Home IUI". It was an absolute nightmare. I wish I could go into detail but honestly, all you need to know is that it left my husband feeling frustrated. He was angry that "we have to go through stuff like this. We have to try things like this instead of just having sex like a normal couple to get a baby." Jesse hadn't experienced defeat like this before, so it really hit home for us.
Round and round the ovulation cycle rolls and here we are at the next month's stop. I didn't want to buy ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, Dixie cups, "pre-seed" and to download a new app that calculates my cycle. I honestly didn't.
I can't tell you how depressed I have been lately. Its a weird depression.
Its not an outward depression. Its a deep sadness. Its so deep that I have been clinging to God to pry myself out of it.
At altar-call on Sunday, Jesse and I held one another as we walked up and prayed together.
As I began to pray, I found myself muttering the words of my heart, that I didn't know I felt...
"God. I know I have been selfish with my life. I haven't given it entirely to you. I have fought for you to get the glory in us having a baby, but really... really that would be bring me the victory. YOU deserve the victory of my life. Maybe that means that your victory is having an absolutely dedicated daughter in me. Maybe I'm meant to show others that your peace is sufficient. Maybe we won't have a baby and my being at peace with that will bring you glory. I'm ready for you to take over."
Guys... It wrecked me. The tears were FLOWING. Then our pastor and his wife come up to us and asked, "How can I pray for you guys?" and without skipping a beat, "WE WANT A BABY." They then proceeded to lay hands on our shoulders and pray to God that he will open up my womb and we will conceive a child.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT A TOTAL DILLHOLE I FELT LIKE?
I felt HORRIBLE. I legitimately just told God that I am available for His Will. I had nothing but selfless intentions, then out of nowhere, I get all worldly and pop out what my heart wants.
For a girl struggling with depression lately, the guilt I felt was not helping. But. I know God. I know he didn't want me to feel guilty. He formed me. He isn't angry or disappointed at my word-vomit.
I am human, you guys. Mother's Day isn't something I get excited about and I have the world's best mom. I am so incredibly imperfect in my struggle. I have stretches of peace and contentment, but sometimes the heartbreak sets in.
As Pastor Perry Noble says, "It's okay to not be okay. Its not okay to stay that way."
So after Mother's Day, I will bounce back. Who knows... maybe I'll bounce back before that. But for now, I have to let myself be sad. But even in these dark hours, I am still going to praise God and I am still going to continue praying.
If you're a Momma-Without-Babies and you need someone to rant to about all of the Mother's Day Hoopla, message me. I will, without a doubt, be down to listen and empathize with you!
Im always here to listen. Always.
*This photo was from our incredibly unsuccessful attempt to conceive last month. At-Home IUI's are for the birds, by the way. (pun intended)*