.....

My mom always told me that my anxiety was robbing me of my joy in life. I never understood what she meant. She tried to explain, "You live life like you're always seeing a bear."

I have been on and off anxiety medication for over a year now. I went off of my meds a few months ago and truthfully, I was doing great! My job is fulfilling and my home life was going well! Even in the chaos of either, I was just fine.

Then it hit me. The anger of having to use any form of "baby-making tool". I think I wrote about it a while ago. Who knows? 

Jesse and I made the decision to stop "trying". I mean like, not caring. At all. The anger was all too consuming and I found myself just repulsed by the slight twinge of my reproductive organs during ovulation.

I started on my meds again last week and they have definitely been helping with my anxiety. Don't get me wrong.... but there is still this fear I can't shake.

I mean the kind of fear that is so deep rooted that your mind goes into fight or flight for days at a time. Its a weird thing. My brain has a weird brick wall up just to protect me from having to decide which mode to take so instead I just feel numb to it. 

I have felt God speaking to me to start tracking my ovulation again. 

Trust me, I've prayed... no... PLEADED with Him not to make us go back to that stressful place. 

It feels dark and secluded and I feel like I'm scheming my husband into *cough* "helping me make a child".

Today's devotional, though, ripped that fear out of the pit of my stomach and forced me to name it.

"But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can fear do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4)

OF COURSE it didn't say, "fear" but per the devotional, it said to name what was holding me back. I read the verse aloud once and then again two more times. 

My fear is real; as real as the pain I have felt not only in my heart but even in my marriage over the last (almost) 5 years. 

The verses to follow really struck a chord though,

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each on in my book. Fear will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side! I praise God for what he has promised; yes, I praise the Lord for what he has promised..."

(Psalm 56:8-10)

He knows my fears but wants me to place my faith and trust into His Will. 

So. 

Tonight, I will decide to face my fears. 

God will help me to tend to my marriage and treat it as delicately as it deserves to be treated as we take on the task of TTC once again.

Its not always easy to do as God leads us to... but we want to be obedient.

Keep us in your prayers, friends.