T-shirts and Hoodies

I read a verse in my devotional a couple of months ago and it just socked me square in the gut:

1 Samuel 1:8

"Her husband, Elkanah would say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you so downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?'"

WHOA, BRO. 

OUCH, RIGHT?

I needed to hear it though.

I need to focus on my husband.

I need to focus on my career.

I need to focus on what God is doing NOW and how he can use me.

Picture this: Infertility is like wearing a red t-shirt. This color eventually bleeds into all of the new and clean white parts of my life. While I truly and so deeply believe that this blog has brought a sense of empathy and awareness to those around me, I find that taking off my red t-shirt of infertility and slapping on a yellow hoodie is far more fitting for this season of my life. 

God doesn't call me to wear red. He calls me to wear yellow. Even when red may seem far more comfortable.

I want to show others the bright light that I have in my life; joy in the gifts of grace and peace that surpass all understanding. 

Don't get me wrong, friends...

I had a pretty dark moment a couple of months ago. I am not going to lie. 

I fell into a pit of self-hate and anger with God. 

We had it out in the middle of my living room as I sobbed and yelled my frustrations to the ceiling. 

God heard me. I heard me. 

I heard the version of me that the enemy wants me to believe. "You aren't worthy of being a mom", "Maybe if you stopped being so ragingly unhealthy, God would give you a baby".... you get the picture.

God heard my heartbreak and I know that my words didn't bounce back off of that ceiling. When I hurt, he hurts. 

God placed that longing for motherhood into my heart at the ripe ol' age of 3. He isn't going to leave his girl hangin'! Thats not how God rolls. 

The transition from red t-shirt to yellow hoodie has been a foreign feeling. Sometimes that yellow hoodie doesn't fit and sometimes that red t-shirt is TOO red. 

BUT. This transition is been more than necessary and truthfully long overdue. 

I am finally seeing His grace and peace first and foremost instead of what I think my life is lacking. I am finding God more in each place I turn in my life. Its been SO MUCH BETTER.

Thank you for following me through my red season. I hope to share more yellow parts of my life as the days go on. 

One day, I'll never have to wear that red t-shirt again. Oh what a glorious day that will be.