40+ Years
My grandpa recently passed and it has definitely been a different ball of emotions that Ive been processing but one thing continues to ring so loudly in my mind; My grandma lost her best friend.
I don't feel heartbroken about her being alone. She's surrounded by her family daily and I love that about my family. My grandma has always been the woman who has loved and cared with her whole heart for everyone she knows.
I sat reading scripture tonight and as I prayed, I just started crying. And ya'll. Your girl was a mess. In the midst of the rest of my chit chat with the Big Man Upstairs, I ended up coming to such a huge realization. Ive been a little sad lately whenever I start my period.
My heart has been so full of all of God's blessings, but this period...
This is the first period since my grandpa passed. That's a weird sentence. Im aware. Follow me through the weirdness. Its going somewhere. Pinky promise.
My grandma has been surrounded by her kids and their kids... every single day since about two weeks before my grandpa even passed. She isn't an island. Not really. No, she doesn't have her life partner & best friend, but she has people who love her all the same. She has people she loves all the same. These people, myself included, are constantly thinking of how we want to spend time with her and to fill her days so her heart doesn't have the feel the emptiness of losing my grandpa to the extent that it could.
This period it hit me.
If we never conceive and the time comes when I lose Jesse one day in our old age... Its just me. Alone. No grandkids to babysit. No children to come keep me company and long to spend time with me. Being cared for by complete strangers. I am the forgotten and lonely woman in this world, the day that Jesse dies.
I know.
It got dark and it got dark fast.
And let's make this perfectly clear, my friends...
God absolutely K.O'd my anxiety with "Tomorrow has its own worries" and "He is the giver of Peace" and I know wholeheartedly that there is a chance that we could still conceive. HE IS THE GIVER. OF ALL THINGS. EVER. He is not limited by my anxiety for something that could be. He is not moved by my age and timeline. He is not constricted to the laws of science. I could conceive at 50! WE DONT KNOW, YOU GUYS.
But after my reading, prayer, and spiritual reality check, I called my mom and cried about it all over again. I then rambled how insanely irrational I know I am being. I told her that I realize it is ridiculous to worry about something 40+ years from now.
You want to know her response?
"I have been thinking the exact same thing."
DUDES.
Sometimes it feels good not to feel insane.
But it feels good for God to put my perspective back into, oh I don't know, a sane and trusting one, every single time, too.
I need to truly understand that when Jesse dies at the age of 99 (fingers crossed he's that old), I will have the people he has laid out in his plans, to surround me and keep me company. To fill my days with laughter and conversation.
If you have children, no matter their age, know that your relationship with them is vital.
You are there to guide them not only through childhood, but also adulthood and possibly parenthood. Because they have you, and you have them... one day, you will be blessed to be surrounded by them and maybe even their children, because they would love nothing more than you keep you company when you are old and gray. Longing to never let you feel lonely, if even for a second.
I don't feel heartbroken about her being alone. She's surrounded by her family daily and I love that about my family. My grandma has always been the woman who has loved and cared with her whole heart for everyone she knows.
I sat reading scripture tonight and as I prayed, I just started crying. And ya'll. Your girl was a mess. In the midst of the rest of my chit chat with the Big Man Upstairs, I ended up coming to such a huge realization. Ive been a little sad lately whenever I start my period.
My heart has been so full of all of God's blessings, but this period...
This is the first period since my grandpa passed. That's a weird sentence. Im aware. Follow me through the weirdness. Its going somewhere. Pinky promise.
My grandma has been surrounded by her kids and their kids... every single day since about two weeks before my grandpa even passed. She isn't an island. Not really. No, she doesn't have her life partner & best friend, but she has people who love her all the same. She has people she loves all the same. These people, myself included, are constantly thinking of how we want to spend time with her and to fill her days so her heart doesn't have the feel the emptiness of losing my grandpa to the extent that it could.
This period it hit me.
If we never conceive and the time comes when I lose Jesse one day in our old age... Its just me. Alone. No grandkids to babysit. No children to come keep me company and long to spend time with me. Being cared for by complete strangers. I am the forgotten and lonely woman in this world, the day that Jesse dies.
I know.
It got dark and it got dark fast.
And let's make this perfectly clear, my friends...
God absolutely K.O'd my anxiety with "Tomorrow has its own worries" and "He is the giver of Peace" and I know wholeheartedly that there is a chance that we could still conceive. HE IS THE GIVER. OF ALL THINGS. EVER. He is not limited by my anxiety for something that could be. He is not moved by my age and timeline. He is not constricted to the laws of science. I could conceive at 50! WE DONT KNOW, YOU GUYS.
But after my reading, prayer, and spiritual reality check, I called my mom and cried about it all over again. I then rambled how insanely irrational I know I am being. I told her that I realize it is ridiculous to worry about something 40+ years from now.
You want to know her response?
"I have been thinking the exact same thing."
DUDES.
Sometimes it feels good not to feel insane.
But it feels good for God to put my perspective back into, oh I don't know, a sane and trusting one, every single time, too.
I need to truly understand that when Jesse dies at the age of 99 (fingers crossed he's that old), I will have the people he has laid out in his plans, to surround me and keep me company. To fill my days with laughter and conversation.
If you have children, no matter their age, know that your relationship with them is vital.
You are there to guide them not only through childhood, but also adulthood and possibly parenthood. Because they have you, and you have them... one day, you will be blessed to be surrounded by them and maybe even their children, because they would love nothing more than you keep you company when you are old and gray. Longing to never let you feel lonely, if even for a second.
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