Who Knew? Not Me!
It's only taken me FOUR SOLID years, but tonight...?
Tonight I truly have seen my growth unfold.
Celebrate these small victories with me.
I couldn't believe my own actions.
Today we found out that a couple near and dear to us is expecting.
I read the text of news and instantly wanted to put the phone down....
I wanted to sob my "I am sad for me" tears.
I wanted to yell at God, "I thought this would be my year! What the heck!"
But I didn't.
Instead, I stared at a text message that was sent to us with empathy and understanding.
This text wasn't sent to us on a whim.
This message was intentional; each word was chosen so delicately in order to be certain that it is received the way the sender had intended.
There was love in the announcement sent to us.
I stared at the text a few seconds longer then the craziest thing started to happen...
My fingers started typing, you guys!
Tonight I responded with a message of "Congratulations!" within the first five minutes of getting that text.
Tonight I responded that I would pray for the soon-to-be-parents and their new addition.
Now, I truly don't mean to be bragging.
My intention in this piece is not only to show an immense amount of appreciation for those close to us and their understanding of our sensitivity to this announcement, but to also celebrate that
I have grown. To grow is to gain peace. And that, my friends, is amazing.
Once I sent the text that I would be praying for the little family, I knelt down in our living room and began to pray for good health for Mom and Baby & for parenting-ready hearts.
I started to fear that this meant that 2018 wouldn't be our year now...
But I felt that anxiety and quickly handed that over to God, too. Hearing in my heart, "This does not determine your journey."
Infertility has strengthened my faith in the Creator of the universe, to finally bring to him the troubles of my heart before I even get a chance to sulk in them.
Infertility has forced me to bring forth openness in this silent and lonesome realm. This new(ish)found transparency has forced me to face what feelings I have experienced over the years and give them the names they deserve. To see my faults and fears and change.
Tonight I am celebrating those who may have made themselves aware of showing empathy to people they know and love who are TTC.
Tonight I am celebrating the fact that the Creator of Heaven and Earth has been moving so greatly in my heart.
Tonight I am celebrating a lack of selfishness that I have sulked in for the last four years.