January 18, 2018
I never expected to be a "camcorder" couple when I met Jesse, but here we are. Two days after our wedding we purchased one on our way to our honeymoon destination. It was Jesse's one demand and since he rarely asks for anything, I agreed.
Three years later and we still bust that puppy out for odds and ends things so that one day we can look back at each of the places where we have lived and family events/vacations.
We're a little weird and a tad old school. I like it.
The night we decided to paint Benjamin's room, Jesse and I knew that we would want to show Benjamin different parts of our journey before the adoption was even finalized.
Of course we brought out the camcorder and walked through and around the house.
Every year at the end of December, Jesse purges our phones and camcorder of the year's photos and videos. It's usually pretty fun. We look through all of the pictures on his laptop, organizing them by family events and seasons. Jesse then hooks up the HDMI and we settle in all cozy on the couches to watch the videos from the year. Its usually one of my favorite parts of our year, truth be told.
I must have forgotten what this year's camcorder gems entailed...
Next thing I know, the "For Baby Benji" home video started playing.
My throat cannonballed into my stomach.
My breath hung on every word that would come out of the tv speakers...
I completely forgot about this. That bedroom looked so different! We were so naive for painting and setting up the nursery. Please please please let him turn this off.
Jesse and I narrated for Benjamin throughout the video;
"Here is your bedroom! This used to be Daddy's man cave but we are going to get it ready for you so all of his stuff is going into storage and Momma couldn't be more excited!"
or other tidbits like,
"This is the yard where Pete and Shay run and play! You won't be big enough to play here but you will watch them! You'll love it out here! If we are still here when you get older we can go sledding down the hill right next to our house with other kids!"
Throughout the video I felt discomfort with every "Momma and Daddy" reference that either of us made to Ben.
Tears ran down my face like they were racing to be the first to hit my double chin.
I didn't want Jesse to know I was upset. I couldn't show that side to him right now.
I was embarrassed.
Embarrassed to have recorded that video in the first place. Embarrassed to have called ourselves Momma and Daddy. Embarrassed to be crying over the video at all.
Jesse glanced over to make quick enough eye contact that I wouldn't be embarrassed and just said, "Are you okay?"
*Finally sniffing in*
"It's super sad, Jess. He would be coming home in less than a month."
My brain did a 180.
He would have come to live where we all had planned for him to be.
He would have known this place as his home.
I'm not irrational for these feelings.
These are honest feelings.
We loved that sweet little babe and knowing his due date is coming up, of course I would be distraught more than usual over a video like this.
We were his Momma and Daddy. Even if only for a short while.
I am so sick of the negative talk I have learned to inflict upon myself.
Just like any other soon-to-be parents, we were nesting. We were preparing. We were reading and studying the best way to inform a child of their adoption (heck we were just reading and studying how to be parents). We thought of that sweet baby boy with each quick trip to Walmart or Meijer. I had already started stocking what was required for him to come home with us from the hospital.
Our love is justified and so is our sadness.
Regardless of the self-talk that we might use to talk us out of it.
January 18, 2018 is a day that will imprint in our hearts and minds for the rest of our lives.
As will the name that we gave him.
Keep us in your prayers as the day slowly but surely approaches.
Keep us in your prayers as we move forward to the next season of His Will for our lives.
We know whatever and wherever that is, it will be incredible.