The Right Fit

In October, just before we found out that we were no longer going to be adopting Benjamin, I was tagged in a strangers post. The post was asking for someone to speak via Skype to a Masters Level Counseling Class about our infertility. 

Initially, I thought, "I'm not part of that world of being childless anymore, but MAN would it be great to help educate. Why not? Just for funsies". Then we lost Ben. I completely forgot about it until last week when the girl sent me her list of questions.

Everything came flooding back like a bad hangover. 

I'm still a part of this world. 
This is my world. Daily. 
I wish I had a success story for them to hear.
I don't know enough about IVF to back my reasoning for not going that route.
I don't know how to explain losing Benjamin in such a limited time.
We've only been struggling for 4 years. Other people have struggled longer. 
One pregnancy loss doesn't compare to what others have experienced.
Maybe I shouldn't do this.

Why would I think these things? Because people say these things, you guys. 
But. That is beside the point. 
I stopped reading the message, looked up and thought... 

"No. Our story matters. Our story and our losses are legitimate. I'm doing this."

I continued to read the questions that I will be asked....

You guys.
My answers to these questions are what I have been dying to tell people for FOUR YEARS.
The brutal truth. The kind of truth that future counselors need to hear. 
I will be telling them why we won't pursue IVF. I will be telling them why we will not pursue another adoption. I will tell them why I felt like my marriage crumbled with each and every negative pregnancy test.
No matter how terrible my raw responses may seem to me, they will help future counselors to best serve their TTC Patients.

Here's the kicker. Are you ready?
The more I thought about this thing, the more proud of our story I became.
Maybe our infertility journey is just the right fit for this class.

Our marriage has never been stronger than it is today.  Jesse has become more in tune with our infertility to understand what I need to hear and how to best support not just myself but our marriage.

His empathy sticks to the emotional part of my brain like glue... holding it together until the next month.

I have reached out to my family, friends, coworkers etc. and have been educating them on how to support someone struggling with pregnancy loss or infertility. 

If I can start to advocate for those that are struggling in the darkest corner of the emptiest room, show me the way God because I am SO ready to reach out. I want to learn about the corners that not even I have crept into. I want to learn empathy and compassion to the point that it is all my heart knows for my brothers and sisters TTC.

I have reached out to others struggling with infertility via social media for support. People I have never met and probably will never meet in my life are giving encouragement and suggestion daily. I am constantly being reminded with a simple scroll through my Instagram that we are NOT alone.

Our faith in God has gotten us through this.
I want the world to know that. If it starts with a Masters Level Counseling Class at an out-of-state University, BRING IT ON!

One day, I will look back and tell our little "Juniper" that he/she taught Momma and Daddy how to be better people, better advocates and closer to God before he/she even born. 

That, my friends, is a gift I never dreamed I would be thankful for.

Our little "Juniper" has changed our lives already and hasn't even been conceived yet.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9


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