A Real Nail Biter

I have had this weird anger and quick-frustration about the tiny details of Jesse's upcoming appointment and I couldn't figure out why Ive been so short tempered about it.

Tonight I was sitting in my living room mid-prayer for a friend and I just started crying. 
I know. Total shocker. So unlike me! 

I don't even think I was talking to God about Jesse at the time, honestly. Super strange. 
I just started telling God, "I'm so sorry, but I am so INSANELY scared, God!" I meant it. I felt sincere guilt for not being more dependent on Him. I felt guilt for not feeling absolute confidence in His plan. 

"I'm scared they'll say its 'nothing' but I'm terrified they'll say its 'something'. I am legitimately scared of both options."

This is my husband's FOURTH "New Urologist" appointment in the last 12 months:

1 45 day round of antibiotics.
1 explorative (waste of time) surgery of his bladder/urethra.
1 round of 30+ days of Bee Pollen Extract & some other super expensive health supplement that the doctor couldn't even subscribe.
1 round of Flomax which caused retrograde ejaculation.
2 semen analysis tests ordered. 
3 doctors completely ignoring the fact that Jesse's PRIMARY PHYSICIAN sent us to them because he had an enlarged prostate. 
"You're too young. There's no way its enlarged", said all 3 of the doctors. Only one of them checked and confirmed that it was in fact enlarged but then stated that he still thought it wasn't the culprit of Jesse's issues.
3 doctors misdiagnosing Jesse and assigning him new meds and new practices, all similar to the last. All of which unsuccessful.

I'm positive that I'm forgetting plenty to add to the above list, but you know.. "beating a dead horse" and all that jazz.

I have been feeling buried in the thick of the past and it's starting to seep into my thoughts and emotions by the freaking SECOND. 

Maybe though, just maybe, the fourth time is a charm?
Maybe, just maybe, this will be it

This doctor could be the doctor to look at Jesse as a concerned (and frankly embarrassed) young man and show him empathy.
This doctor could be the doctor to help to cure Jesse of whatever is happening in his body.
This doctor could order the tests necessary to gain a deeper understanding and make a game plan.

So instead of being swallowed up be fear any more...
I'm going to stop over analyzing. 
Im going to stop judging this Urologist before I have even met him.

Send all of your love and prayers our way, cats!
And pray for the doctor to have wisdom, understanding and kindness!

This could be it! 
So instead of caving into my fear, I am going to focus on what could be!


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