Busy

Turned 29 and still no baby.
5 years trying and still no baby.
Stronger marriage and still no baby.

Thats how my mind views our infertility. Its like I'm positive and upbeat about everyone else's situations apart from my own. 
When I see someone else struggling, I think, "It'll happen! I can promise you it will happen! You'll probably even get pregnant before me! "



WHY DO I THINK THIS WAY?! 
I am the one He left the rest to search for. I love reminding others that Jesus loves and tends to His sheep.
Why do I look at my life and assume that its just not in the cards for us?
Im like a woman scorned when it comes to our future. 
I'm sure my husband should be bald by now, from all of that stress of sitting listening to me cry over the past five years.

But here's the kicker...
Jesse, who just in the past few years got saved and recently was baptized (Hallelujah!), is my constant reminder...
As we drove along some random country road on our road trip this weekend he spoke softly,
"I don't get sad or even angry when you start your period every month. It doesn't bother me. But I can tell you one thing... When you DO have a baby? I'm going to be the happiest person on earth."

I have probably told every single coworker this story today. 
You know why?

The kid's got some Faith.
Not only that but he has Faith without hesitation. 
Jesse doesn't blink an eye at the thought of my period starting because he knows that we will be parents one day.
It's both incredible and infuriating. When I want to be full of doubt and bitter with God for not providing, Jesse is unmoved.
It took FOUR PLUS YEARS to realize that this was a strength rather than some heartless projection.

On days like today I am reminded that God's timing is still FAR better than my own and that His process will create far more miracles and beauty (like my husband getting saved and baptized) than my original plan would have.

Had I gotten pregnant every time I wanted a baby, Id have five children from five different men.
Let's be real honest, here. 
But instead, God told me, "Not yet."
This opened up so much more in my life. I was able to come into a marriage with my husband and revel in learning and understanding more about him by the day. 
Instead, I am able to focus on creating a solid foundation to build our family upon.
I am able to learn more about myself and grow into Christ with each day that I could say, "still no baby".




So today, instead of looking at all of my checked "good kid" boxes and impatiently waiting (the Judge Judy gif is beyond accurate) for God to hand me a child, I am going to use these hands of mine.
I am going to hold onto my marriage. 
I am going to hold onto Christ's Love and Word.

So I guess what I'm saying is this...
If you're tired of trying. If you're tired of worrying. If you're tired of your own lack of trust...
Keep your hands busy with all of the blessings in your life.



Comments

Popular Posts