Survival of the Imperfect

I wish there was a spray for guilt and shame like there is for mosquitos. 

Let me be clear before I travel down this Alice-like rabbit hole...

I'm not going to be referring to shame or guilt that is pressed into me like a washcloth to a stain by others.

I'm talking about the self-inflicted kind. Ya know... the good stuff!

So. Let's get this party started.

As all of you know, we have just about hit 5 years TTC (trying to conceive). 

I have made leaps and bounds in my coping strategies but solely by the Grace of God and honestly I've still got my work cut out for me.

What's that? An example, you ask?

You know I like to be brutally honest so here is a perfect example of my imperfection.

I have an ex (WHO KNEW RIGHT?!) and he and I are on totally good terms, but he is getting married soon. I've been sour about it and we dated SO LONG AGO IT ISNT EVEN FUNNY. 

Then it hit me why I've been so dang salty. I was legitimately resentful because I just assume they want children and that they will get pregnant before we do and dangit they are just now getting married! we already checked that box off of the list of things I thought God required of us!

TTC is a struggle and I am by no means perfect in dealing. I realize how insane it is to worry about an old friend/ex having a baby before me because he's getting married. 

I FREAKING LOVE MARRIAGE, YOU GUYS! 

Butttttt deep into my heart of hearts, being so brutally honest, I automatically get tossed into a state of misplaced frustration seeing couples get married because that OBVIOUSLY means they are going to want children and going to pop them out like popcorn without any problem before I even ovulate next!

This then leads to guilt. I feel so much guilt for my anger/frustration/resentment resentment. I can't even tell you guys how horrible I feel for being so horrible. Its a whole thing.

So. I'm going to be working on that part of my journey. It's a problem that needs correction so, I need to keep chiseling away at it.

Now for the shame!

Yayyyyyy shame!

TTC for five years without absolutely any western medicine or even holistic medicine, makes me proud. It absolutely does! I feel like I have waited on God for five years and I haven't been great at it, but dangit I did it! I FREAKING SURVIVED and I truthfully came out of these last five years a better person and a better daughter of the Creator for it!

But. That five year mark. 

One time, Jesse's Gram (grandma) was telling me about how her amish neighbors had been trying for a baby for five years, when Jess and I were probably at year 2? 

I responded, "If I hit five years and I don't have kids? Kill me. There's no hope at five years."

So. Here we are. I'm alive and well and writing this stinking blog outside in the chilly summer breeze.

So here I am. Eating crow.

Now here's my mental debate:

"Do we, Don't we?"

I would say that a majority of the TTC realm tries everything they can at least once, in order to conceive before even hitting year 2 or 3. Am I a fool for waiting this long? My flesh tells me "Duh" but my heart tells me, "Not even remotely, Brittany".

I put this stupid 5 year plan into my own head like a deadline for God. God didn't. But here I am. Debating clomid. Debating Sperm Donors.

My doctor told me a little over a year ago, "Brittany. You could use donor sperm and get pregnant like *that*."

So, I feel shame. Like this weird "You are so stinking stubborn. Just USE THE DONOR SPERM or TAKE THE STINKING CLOMID so you will stop whining and you will finally have that baby you want!"

But instead of letting that shame eat me alive like I usually would and caving in like a bad batch of bread....

I am choosing to pray on what God wants us to do. It only takes one tiny, healthy little swimmer. Thats what I keep telling myself. 

So if God says to wait and not to outsource (for lack of a better term), then dangit I'm going to wait. 

If He tells me to take the Clomid, I'll take the Clomid. 

And if He says that He wants us to use a sperm donor, then we will as He calls.

I truly don't feel called to adopt again. I don't feel called to use IVF. 

I am grateful God has been clear on those avenues just so I know what some of our boundaries are. But I can ASK HIM for what HE wants on the rest! *Face Palm*

So I will be praying like crazy. I will be asking Jesse to pray like crazy, too. And we will wait to hear what His Devine and perfect Will is.

This month, I am asking you guys to pray with us. 

Let me know that you are praying with us! Send me a message or comment, whatever your little hearts desire. But knowing that someone is praying with you is the greatest gift you can give to a couple that is TTC. I mean that wholeheartedly.