The highs and lows of infertility aren't like a roller coaster.
They're more like when you watch a heart monitor at the hospital.
Peaks and valleys, ya dig?
I might be totally fine with my infertility one day, then the next Im peeing on twelve sticks praying ONE of them shows the faintest of lines just to justify my obvious pregnancy because I am officially 7 hours late for my period.
If you know me well, and I mean well, you know that I generally just throw out my possible-pregnancy excitement like I would if I were ordering it from a grocery list.
Let me give you an example.
My February period decided to be five days late.
I played it cool as a freaking cucumber.
I waited to test until the day my period was due. (I promise this is a big deal to do when TTC)
THEN I tried to just assume the first two tests I took were accurate in their negatives and not read into my apparent pregnancy symptoms.
Sidebar - Can we just talk about how RIDICULOUSLY CRUEL it is that pregnancy symptoms are the same as period symptoms? Its legitimately the downfall of my sanity every month.
Anyway. I was reaaaal coy for the first four days. Then day five hit. Oh day five.
A friend of mine (who is also TTC) called and as simply as stating "I think I might go get a slurpee", I said, "Im like 99% sure Im pregnant."
Day five hits. No period. Take three more tests. All negative.
"I must be that kind of girl that requires a blood test. Ill have to call Monday to schedule."
Day five evening hits, theeeeeere it issssssss.
Then you overanalyze. "This isn't my normal period. This is weird. I wonder if this is pregnancy spotting? Maybe? Who knows. Probably not. Im not pregnant."
* Goes to open fridge and get a pop *
"Wait. I could totally be pregnant right now."
ITS INSANITY. Ive said it before and Ill say it 9 zillion more times.
Trust me. My insanity isn't any more apparent and obvious to you all as it is to me.
Heres the thing.
I have to revel in it. I have to soak in those emotions each month.
Because otherwise Ill just be lying to myself about it all and turn into Britney Spears circa 2007.
Trust me. If you think Im obsessing or if you think I am crazy about this now?
It could have been so much uglier.
All joking aside, I could have lost a marriage, lost friends, lost jobs.... you name it.
But instead I let myself feel the good, the bad and the ugly.
I let myself feel them. Then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and thank God that I am still somewhat sane and able to do whatever He has planned for me next.
If you're suffering from the same miserable diagnosis as we are, reach out. Always.
Even and especially if you're coming down from the, "Im 99% sure Im pregnant" to your "Of course I started my period. Ill never see a positive test".
Or if you are in your two week waiting window and need some prayer.
REACH THE HECK OUT.
Im always down to listen and even MORE down to pray for my friends and fam and even total strangers who are struggling with infertility.
I remember nights praying and begging God for just one person to know what I was experiencing and to relate to me. Just to feel a little less lonely and a little less crazy.
So thats what Im here to do....
To rationalize your irrational thoughts.
To empathize with your stupid period starting.
To love on you when you feel isolated.
I've got your backs, homies. And so does the Big Man Upstairs.